When I was a child I thought, "When I'm an adult I'll be more confident in myself, adults seem confident"
When I was in college I thought, "When I have a job I'll be more confident, at least then I'll know what I'm doing"
When I had a job I thought, "When I figure out what it is I really want to do, then I'll finally shake off this insecurity"
When I finally figured out what I want my life to stand for I thought, "Maybe I'm a coward because everything that was ever supposed to make me less afraid hasn't worked. I'm still afraid of everything"
I think I finally get it.. Nothing is going to suddenly fix my insecurity. Maybe its a character flaw. Over the years I've practiced the fine art of beating the insecurities down just far enough to take a few steps in the right direction. I have to live with fear but I will not be governed by fear as a slave is by a whip. This is enough for me now.
So here's today's list of beaten down fears (its not even noon!):
Fear of falling on ice
Fear of rejection
Fear of being weak or inadequate
Fear of losing the respect of those I care about
And today's list of dreams that managed to get me out of bed:
Career in law enforcement
Starting a family
Blue belt
Masters degree
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'” - Mary Anne Radmacher
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person and a lot people feel the same way as you do but they get to the point were they don't care and it makes them seem more confident but you have the unique ability to do what you need to do and follow your dreams and still care about yourself and everyone else. Stay strong because a lot of people believe in and support you, even when you have doubt!! We are the ones who love you for who you are, as you are!
A couple of years ago at work, a coworker in her 20's said that I seemed really comfortable about being who I was. I don't really think of myself that way, and it certainly wasn't true historically, but I do think some amount of comfort in one's own skin can come with age, and a lot of women I know say this happened for them around 30. It's probably BS, though, I don't know.
ReplyDeleteYou do kick ass in a lot of ways, but if you experience yourself from the inside the way I do myself from the inside, you probably also see the ways in which you are...not as worthful. I haven't found any way around that other than by continuing to press forward while trying to improve.